Some of us have grown up learning that love is a reward.
You behave well, you achieve more, you stay agreeable and in return, you get approval. Affection. Maybe even love. Over time, this dynamic becomes so normal, we don’t even notice it’s happening. Until one day, someone offers us love without us “doing” anything for it… and we don’t know what to do with it.
We pull back. We question it. We wait for the other shoe to drop.
Because unconditional love? It feels unfamiliar.
And unfamiliar doesn’t always feel safe.
In therapy, we have heard versions of this story in so many different forms.
From people who keep falling for emotionally unavailable partners, to those who feel uncomfortable when someone is “too kind” or gives without keeping score. What many of us are truly asking, without realising it, is:
“Can I still be loved, even if I’m not performing?”
At Out Aloud, we often work with clients who come into therapy unsure of what a healthy relationship looks or feels like, because they’ve spent years confusing acceptance with achievement.
Whether it’s through individual therapy or relationship counselling, one of the most profound shifts we support is helping people move from earning love to simply receiving it. And let’s be honest- receiving love can feel far more vulnerable than giving it. Because receiving means allowing. It means opening. It means believing you are already worthy.
If you’ve spent most of your life proving yourself to family, to partners, even to yourself, then softening into love might not come naturally.
But healing rarely feels natural at first.
It feels new. Quiet. Gentle. And slowly, it starts to feel like home.
So maybe the real work isn’t to do more to be loved.
Maybe it’s to unlearn the parts of you that think you have to earn it.
At OutAloud Wellness, we hold space for this kind of healing. Through therapy that’s warm, relational and real, we walk with you as you relearn what love feels like when it’s no longer a transaction, but a truth.
Because you deserve to be loved… without earning it.